Light at the End of the Tunnel

If you read this blog regularly, you’ve probably noticed that I haven’t been posting much lately. You might be wondering what has happened to me and if everything is okay. Well believe it or not, the fact that I haven’t been writing as often is a good thing. I’ve always been a person who journalled most frequently when I was depressed or upset about something, and I’ve used this site much as I would a public diary. I find writing to be therapeutic – an excellent way to sort through problems and troubling emotions. 

Lately, things in my life have been good. Really good. And I don’t have a particular reason for why that is, except that I feel as if God has helped me to truly recover from the pain of my divorce. I’m ready to move forward in all aspects of my life.  

My kids are healthy, beautiful and well-behaved. My job is going well. My situation with the ex is improving, (I’m learning that forgiveness is quite freeing!). 

So really, I just have nothing to complain about. And apparently if I have nothing to complain about, I have nothing to write about! 

I’ve given a lot of thought lately to possibly taking this blog down. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve aired too much of my pain out there for the whole world to see. But for now at least, I think I’ll keep it up. I know that when I was dealing with terrible depression and bitterness in the wake of my ex leaving, I just wanted to know that there were people out there that understood. I wanted to read about other women (or men) who had gone through similar circumstances and made it through to the other side. 

I believe I’ve finally crossed over to that other side. I’m happy and thankful and enjoying life again. I don’t know how often I’ll post in the future, but I do plan to leave this site up as a way to perhaps help those who are struggling with the pain that comes from divorce.

If you are one of those people, take it from a survivormom: there really is light at the end of the tunnel!

Battle of the Wills

For the past several months, I’ve been engaged in one of the oldest battles in history. My opponent looks deceivingly sweet and innocent during the day, but come nighttime she transforms into a howling, brawling, terror. I might have nearly 100 pounds on her, but we’re fairly evenly matched in stamina and stubbornness.

By now I’m sure you’ve guessed that I’m talking about my nightly bedtime battle with my daughter. Oh why oh why oh why does she fight bedtime so much? I don’t ask for much out of my children. Really. I just want them to fall asleep at least one hour before I collapse into my bed each night. Just. One. Hour.

Please.

My three-year-old and I have entered into an all-out war and I’m waiting with bated breath to see which one of us comes out the victor. I really think I’ve tried every tactic in the parenting playbook at this point, but I’m welcome to entertain suggestions (no matter how strange!) if anyone has them. Because I have to admit, I don’t have a good feeling about my odds.

Goodbye, Mourning Attire!

It’s amazing how God never gives us more than we can handle all at one time in life. Sometimes it might feel as if we’re being overloaded, but I know God is always in control.

Lately I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the events that transpired in my life this past year, and I feel like my eyes are finally opened wide to the truth. It was a long and slow process, but God gave me access to just the right amount of information along the way, while also shielding me from any knowledge that I wasn’t emotionally ready to handle. 

For instance, had God revealed all of my ex-husband’s secrets to me at once, I might never have been willing to attempt reconciliation with him. Had I not tried to forgive him and move forward in the marriage, I may have always harbored regrets about what “could have been” if I had been able to forgive. As it stands, I have peace of mind in the knowledge that I did everything I could to hold my family together. I hope that this will mean something to my children someday. I know it means something to me now.

For the past year I have mourned the loss of my marriage, but those days are behind me. I saw a lot of untapped potential in our union and wished it could have come to fruition, but the truth is, that was probably never going to happen. I now realize that we are and always were two very different people with opposing values, morals and beliefs. Had he not cheated on me less than five years into our marriage, I might have spent the next fifty years of my life growing in bitterness and discontent. While I’ll never be able to condone what he and his mistress did, I will actually benefit from their transgressions. I’m now free to live a happier life. I’m free to find a life mate who will love me for exactly who I am, not for who he wishes I would be. What a surprising and wonderful gift to be given. What evidence that God can bring any situation together for good. I’m looking forward to who and what God will bring into this next season of my life.

What???

I took an unintentional blogging hiatus, but I’m back. I’ve thought about writing quite often this past week, but actually finding the time to sit down and blog just hasn’t happened. In fact, I’ve been so busy these past few days that I haven’t even visited my site to see how many other people have been visiting my site! (Embarrassing tidbit about me: I usually check my dashboard each day just to see how many people have read what I write!)

Sooo, where is this all leading you might ask? It is leading to the fact that I finally did check my dashboard this morning, and I was startled to discover that someone was led to my blog by googling “nude beach”!

What??? What post on my site has ever included anything of that nature? Hmmm… I thought this blog was strictly G-rated. Apparently I’ll have to strive to do better. LOL.

Well, today is a very big day for me because the couch and chair that I ordered last month will be delivered at 1 o’clock! Crossing my fingers that I like them and that they fit through my narrow and sharply curved entryway… Pictures to follow!

The Healing House

They entered the house that fall seeking shelter from the chaos of their own lives,

A confused two-year-old, a fatherless newborn, and a broken mom.

Autumn turned to winter and the house wrapped its warm arms around them.

Life ripped at them, but the house provided comfort, one constant in the storm.

After a few months, laughter began to fill its walls and the house became a place of healing.

The two children and their mom danced and played and grew.

And one day, the mother looked outside the window and was surprised to see that spring had arrived.

At that moment it occurred to her that this was no ordinary house.

No. To her, it would forever be remembered as the home where they became

A family of three.

I’m a Lucky Duck!

It’s 12:45 a.m. and I just put my son down after rocking him back to sleep. He woke up with his first midnight screaming jag in over a week. I think he got over-tired at daycare these past two days and just needed a little Mama time.

As I sat holding him close in the rocking chair, I thought about how hard it would be if I had to go back to working full-time while the kids are still so little. If my ex takes me back to court and is able to lower child support, I may not have an option. Right now I only work two to three days per week, which seems overall to be a nice balance for my little family. The kids have a few days of “school” each week where they are around other children and I enjoy time with adults while making some extra money on those days, but the majority of our days are still spent with each other.

If I go back to working full-time, the children and I will only have two days of quality time together out of every 14 (due to the ex’s every other weekend visits). As a dear friend of mine who also happens to be a single mom once said, she is not the one getting to teach her daughter her values each day, it’s the daycare workers.

I’m not ready for that! I’m not ready to take on the life of being a full-time working single mom. And realizing that made me realize just how lucky I’ve actually been up to this point. Right now I’m one of the rare single mothers who can afford to only work part-time, and I love it. We don’t live extravagantly at all, but we also aren’t truly left wanting for much that is material in this life.

Maybe I just needed this quiet time with my son tonight to remind me of how great I’ve actually got  it. I have so much respect for mothers who work full-time to support their families while also being the only parent in the household. I’ve been incredibly blessed to be spared that responsibility up to this point, and if our circumstances do in fact change, we will accommodate. But in the mean time, I’m going to relish my days with my beautiful children and try to stop whining about how rough I have it. I don’t have it rough. I’m a lucky duck!!!

A Positive Post :)

I promised to write when I was in a more positive frame of mind, so here goes.

To bring everyone up to speed, my ex-husband recently informed me that he and his girlfriend are expecting a child and he plans to take me back to court to try to have our recently ordered support arrangement modified. Aside from having to deal with the knowledge that my ex is having a child (my kids are going to have a half sibling in four months!), I have been fretting over the idea of going back to court. I’ve known from the start that due to his salary, recent raises, etc, he doesn’t legally have much of a case, but still, it’s been weighing on me.

So I’ve prayed – a lot. And yesterday, God led me to a kind woman in the Circuit Clerk’s office who was a fount of information and oh so comforting. I also talked to a person in the state Department of Family Services who assured me that she’s seen many cases such as mine and I need not fear.

Today (after more prayer) I checked out several books from the library on child support and now I really feel confident. If this goes to court, I truly believe the children and I will prevail. God’s timing has been impeccable through all of this, and every time I’ve prayed to Him in the past few days, He has quieted my spirit with the knowledge that He is taking care of this for us. And even if for some reason my ex takes me to court and is able to drastically reduce what he’s paying, it has become so apparent to me lately that there are sooo many more important things in life than having excessive amounts of money. No price can be put on my close relationship with my children, which is the one thing that I know I will always have.  

So there it is, I truly am in a more positive frame of mind. I don’t think I’ve fully processed the reality that my children will soon have a half-sister and what that will mean to their lives, but for tonight at least, I’m feeling more at peace with our situation. I wish all you other single parents out there continued strength and peace in your own battles and obstacles, whatever they may be.

Bitterness Is Not An Attractive Quality

I’m not happy with the bitter tone of my last post, so I have taken it down. The Bible cautions: “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26). Bashing my ex-husband on the internet, despite how he behaves toward me, feels a little like sinning. If you read the post, you can decide for yourself whether or not I crossed that line. If you didn’t, you can disregard this post altogether.

The main theme of what I wrote was intended to be a call to action to women in my situation, I just think I could have done it in a classier way. Still, sometimes we need to get fired up. We need to be angry if it means pushing us to fight for the rights of our children.

From here on out, I’m done discussing this current situation. I will update once I have something positive to say, because I truly believe the Lord will see us through. My mom pointed out that just as my own children don’t understand or know how hard I am working behind the scenes on their behalf, I don’t know or see what God is doing behind the scenes on my behalf.

What To Write When My Worst Nightmare Comes True?

Yesterday morning I planned to post something about how wonderful my and the kids lives were going. I thought about all of the ways God has blessed us in the past year and just reveled in God’s goodness. But there is another force at work in our lives, and every time things start to go well, that force tries to pull us down and shake our faith in the Lord - that happened yesterday.

A little over one year ago, my worst nightmare came true. When I was eight months pregnant with my son, my husband confirmed that he was having an affair with a woman at work. To say I was devastated, heartbroken, shocked and terrified in no way encompasses the range of emotions that this news produced in me. I felt Destroyed. But I loved him, so I forgave him and tried to be the best wife I could possibly be. However, a new fear was born, one I had never allowed to enter my mind before that day – what if this situation led to our separating? That was my new worst nightmare.

Five weeks after our son was born, I learned that my husband was again (or still?) involved with his mistress. Although I wanted to work through our situation, he asked that the kids and I go stay with my parents so he could determine what he wanted to do. For several weeks I sat on pins and needles as he decided our fate, and a new worst nightmare was born – what if he wanted a divorce?

After six weeks of living apart, my husband begged the children and me to come home. He said and did all the right things and promised he would spend the rest of our lives making this up to me. For the first time in months, I felt like I was pulled out of my nightmare and thrust into a fairytale. My husband still loved me! New, happier dreams began to form.

Sadly, the euphoria was short-lived. Within two months I learned that my husband’s affair had resumed. He said he still loved me, but he just couldn’t live without Her.  It was official – we were divorcing. My absolute worst nightmare had come true. But as always, a new fear was born. I was a stay-at-home mom with a newborn and a two-year-old – what if he tried not to support us financially?

God carried the children and me through the divorce, and at the end of December our finalized agreement was in place with a nice little judge signature and everything. After one year of complete chaos, our new lives could finally begin.

With the constraints and worries of that horrible situation finally behind us, our lives have blossomed. Yes, I’ve encountered challenges I never wanted to face, but deep down I know that we have it pretty good. My daughter is now a precocious three-year-old who chatters incessantly, angers easily, and loves fiercely. My son is a one-year-old walking, babbling, laughing reminder of God’s graciousness.  

However, yesterday my new worst nightmare was realized. My ex’s girlfriend is expecting a child. He’s threatening to withhold what he owes in maintenance and child support and take me back to court to get our agreement changed, less than four months after it was put into place. 

I’m trying to remember that my ex is not the one who holds our lives in the palm of his hand, God is. Only He knows the outcome of this situation – how the new baby will affect my children’s relationship with their father. Whether or not my ex will follow through on his threats to not pay his court ordered child support and maintenance. If a judge would actually side with him on reducing the amount if it went to court….

God knows the answers to my questions. Although it feels as if I’ve stepped back into a nightmare, “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you” (Psalm 9:9-10).

I put my trust in the Lord.

Forgiveness Feels Like a Four-Letter Word

Next week my divorce recovery group will be tackling the dreaded topic of forgiveness.

Oh how I hate the idea of having to forgive my ex-husband and his girlfriend, but oh how I know I need to do it. Not for them, but for myself and my precious children.

But it’s because of my children that I’m finding it so hard to forgive.

Someday my life might actually be better because I’m no longer with my ex-husband. Actually, a strong case might be made for the fact that my life already is better. I’m stronger. I’m healthier. I don’t have to answer to anyone but God, and I’m enjoying life in a way I didn’t believe would be possible as a single woman. But the kids? What has this done to them?

Every time my daughter comes back from her dad’s house, she seems more confused. Why doesn’t Daddy live with us? If we got a bigger house, would it have room for Daddy? Why doesn’t (insert the girlfriend’s daughter’s name) have her own Daddy? He’s still my Daddy, right? And on, and on, and on…

As for my son, I’m not even sure he knows he has a dad. I’ve never heard him utter the word “Dada” like a 13-month-old should. Sure he spends one or two nights with this man every other weekend, but for babies I really think it is more about quantity of time than quality. And it’s when I look to his future that I feel the most fear. I love my son sooo much, but what do I know about raising a man? I’m about the girliest girl on the face of the Earth! He was supposed to have a Dad. A real Dad. You know, one who’s there. Every day.

So yeah, forgiveness. To me, it still feels like a four-letter word. I can barely comprehend the idea that someday I might be able to fully, completely forgive. But this is what God calls us to. Guess I’d better not miss the next divorce recovery group meeting.